Better Off Without You

You promised we'd always stay friends.
I'm glad we didn't.

If we had, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'd be something horrible. Unbearable.

What we've gone through has made me who I am, and although even now you haunt my thoughts, I wouldn't change anything, for fear of losing my identity.

you hurt me, badly, and you don't even care. Maybe you don't really how badly you scarred me.. maybe you don't realize how much my heart bled on your behalf.

It was always about you, from the very beginning. I was too blinded by what I thought was love to even realize how wrong you were for me. You were the one person who made me feel good about myself, like my life was worth living. But things are different now, and I realize that love had never been a part of our relationship.

I won't lie. I enjoyed spending a lot of my time with you. I'll admit that while I write this, I was at fault too, and I made my fair share of mistakes. But I'm tired of holding these feelings in. They need to leave.

You made me scared. Scared to even be touched by a friend. Hugs, handshakes, everything was neglected by me after what we went through. I was terrified that I would get hurt by others the ways you hurt me, so I shut myself away from everyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I hate that you did that to me.

I hate the fact that our relationship became nothing more than fancy egos and fights. I wish things could have turned out better, I wish that both of us didn't have to go through so much pain. But then, if we hadn't I might still be with you. That would kill my soul.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened between us, and I wonder if you think about it too. It hurts to think about us. I screwed up so many times and cut myself so deeply that I honestly can't see these wounds ever healing. You hurt me so badly. I still feel the same pain today that I felt nearly six months ago. I put my life in your hands. I trusted you. I committed my time and my heart to you. I respected you SO MUCH. And you threw it all back at my feet and kicked me to the curb.

The anger that I feel for you would almost be unbearable. But after you left my life, it allowed me to let Jesus in, and that's where things start to change. You kicked me to the curb, and Jesus sat there with me while I cried. He bandaged my wounds as best He could, He held me while I wept, He loved me the same all the while. He comforted me. He gave me everything you couldn't. And I realized that the void in my heart that I wanted to desperately to fill couldn't be filled by you. Jesus had to fill it. And he did.

If it weren't for Him, I'd feel a lot more pain, shame, and guilt than I do now. Part of me thinks it's my own stubborness that won't let all these emotions go. Another part of me thinks I can't let them go. What if letting them go means letting my guard down? What if letting them go means that I let go of part of myself?

I know you won't read this, and if you do then maybe you'll realize just how badly you stung my heart. Even now, while I lay here, contemplating on our past, my eyes begin to water. I can't believe how selfish you were, and how selfish, in turn, I became. You turned me into all the things I wasn't. You turned me away from my friends, who you never respected. You turned me away from my family, who I now realize I needed to get closer to, not be pulled farther away. You got me into so much trouble in my life. The people I loved look down upon me. That hurt. Bad.

I pray for you. I pray that maybe you can see past your own wants and see what you need. I wish you could grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. You don't need ridiculous amounts of money to be happy, nor do you need fancy cars and sex, nice clothes and one-night-stands. You need God. You need Jesus. I hope you find Him.

Of all the promises you broke, I'm glad you fell through on your promise to stay friends. I realize now that I don't need you in my life at all. I have everything I could ever ask for. I have amazing friends who love me for me, even when I'm down or wrong. I have an amazing pastor and amazing mentors who help me through everything. I have an amazing boyfriend who means the world to me, who I love so much. I have a better relationship with my parents than I've had in a long time. I'm happy, and I wonder if you can say the same thing.

You promised we'd always stay friends.
I'm glad we didn't.