Because I Couldn't Sleep;

I'm tired of trying to do things right.
I'm tired of trying to impress people.
I'm tired of people being hypocritical and disrespectful.
I'm tired of supressing feelings and emotions.
I'm tired of seeing people suffer every day.
I'm tired of having to live up to other peoples' standards.
I'm tired of being treated like crap.
I'm tired of people not loving others.
I'm tired of people being judgemental and stereotypical.
I'm tired of being constantly reminded of the past.
I'm tired of not being the best person I can be.
I'm tired of people believing that things don't get any better.
I'm tired of all the lies I have to deal with constantly.
I'm tired of all the stupid arguements we get into.
I'm tired of being told 'you'll be sorry.'
I'm tired of you thinking I'm unappreciative and ignorant.
I'm tired of you being unappreciative and ignorant.
I'm tired of society and the absolute crap that it stands for.
I'm tired of people hurting.

I'm tired.. it's no wonder I can't sleep.

"Religion involves holding people at a standard of behaviour over a tenderness of heart." - Blair Phibbs

It's hard for me to look up to you..

when you keep disappointing me.

You're hurting me.

The Weight of Hate

I've been thinking a lot lately about hate.

You see, over the past couple of weeks, I've realized that hate isn't neccessary. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. Being rude, being hateful, being disrespectful, is part of being negative, and negativity hurts not only the person it's directed towards, but the person that is being negative.

It almost makes sense, right?

It's like this - for some reason, you feel the need to put others down, talk about them badly, whatever the case may be. Maybe you don't know the reason for this negativity, maybe you do. Who knows. The fact is that the element of negativity is subconsciously you - feeling the need to be negative because somehow it makes you feel better than that individual.

When negativity gets more complicated, it becomes hate. Sometimes we may feel that people have wronged us, disrespected us, hurt us, and we get this idea in our head that we have a right to hate them for it. It's not the fact that we may or may not have that right, it's if we act out on that so called right. By hating someone, you're bringing yourself down to their standard, or your standard of them, however you want to look at it. Weird, eh?

It's the capability to forgive, to love, that will set you apart. By forgiving, you're placing yourself in a higher standard of living, and you're going to be happier as a result.

When you hold a grudge, the weight of that grudge is placed on you more than anyone or anything else. There's a very good chance that the individual you "hate" either doesn't know, or just doesn't care. So all of that nasty, discusting filth that you have against that person... it's not on their shoulders. They don't carry that burden... you do.

Sucks, doesn't it? But here's my point to all of this.

If you didn't feel the need to hold grudges, whether they be big or small, justified or unjustified, you wouldn't have to carry the weight of hate. You'd be free.

Freedom. That's another thing I've been astounded with lately, and how do you get to freedom?

Love. That four letter word that no one seems to know the meaning of anymore. I'm not saying you need to go become best friends with the whole entire world - that's impractical and highly unlikely. What I'm saying is that if you took that negative thought, that hate, that gossip, that rumour, whatever it may be that you're subjecting towards someone else, if you took that and turned it into something positive and gave it the element of love and forgiveness, or just ignored it all together, you wouldn't have to worry about anything! You're conscience would be completely hate free, because the only person that can place hate on your heart... is you.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness; joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we recieve;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

Dear Blank;

While you sat there and critisized me, I wanted so badly to make an example out of you in front of everyone within earshot, so that everyone would know how much of an absolute jerk you were.

Instead, I tried to be polite, and you threw it back in my face.
So here it is... what I should have said:

First off, the conversation I was having with my friend didn't involve you, so you didn't have the right to say anything in the first place.

Secondly, before you tell me that I should being going to a Catholic Church, and not a Pentecostal church, I would like you to know that if you want to be able to say such rediculous things you should at least attempt to make an effort to go to church and give a crap about your faith; hypocrite.

Your 'religion' is no better than mine, and I think it's time that you get that through your head. I'm not about to listen to you tell me that I'm wrong about my religion and you're right.

1. 'Religion' is a terrible concept that does nothing but seperate people.
2. Catholicism is no more of a correct religion than any other religion, unless you're worshiping llamas.
3. How would you know? Does God whisper in your ear and give you the answers to all of life's questions? No, I didn't think so.

The thing is, when you have the nerve to challenge my faith, I have the nerve to stand up for what I believe in with every last drop of my soul. I would stand there until my mouth went dry standing up for myself if it would mean anything to you.

But it doesn't. You don't care because you're so blind. So blind.

So in short, you have no right to question my beliefs; Jesus loves me and I love Jesus. That's it. None of the fancy this church that church you're trying to give me. If you're going to challenge me, I'm going to make you look like a blundering baboon, especially when you challenge me in front of my peers and fellow classmates. You don't have the right to tell me what I should believe in, so I'd appreciate it if you dropped it.

The next time you decide you want to judge me, you're going to regret it. If you're not going to be a good friend, I'm not going to consider you one, so the next time you challenge my faith, consider our friendship over. I'm not going to surround myself with people who are going to bring me down. I've got better places to be and better things to do.

Christianity;

is not a label.
It's a chance at living a life.

is not an excuse for sin.
It's the opportunity to be forgiven, and receive a second chance.

is not being perfect.
It's being who God made you to be; yourself - and being proud of it.

is not for 'good people.'
It's for everyone, everywhere, no matter who you are.

is not just going to church.
It's being the church, and spreading the word of God wherever you go.

...........................................................................

Christianity;
is surrendering your life to God.

is knowing that there is a living God, who is with you at every moment, in every place, even in the darkest of times.

is loving, and being loved.

is praying, even for the little things.

is listening, even when you don't hear anything, or when you think you've got it figured out.

is understanding, and learning when you do not understand.

is forgiving, even when someone does something unforgivable in your eyes; nothing is unforgivable in the eyes of the Lord.

...........................................................................

Christianity;

is my life.

is my opportunity to be forgiven.

is me being the person God created me to be, and being proud of it.

is for me, even though I am not a 'good person.'

is my choice; to bring others to God.

is living my life surrendered.

is knowing that God is with me, and that He is always there.

is how I love.

is praying about everything, even if it seems insignificant.

is listening to other people around me and listening to God.

is understanding everything around me, and learning and seeking guidance when I do not understand.

...........................................................................

Christianity;

is Jesus Christ, who died on the cross to forgive us of our sins, so that we may go to heaven.

Funeral Dress

On a rack in a store for a discount price,
but the colour's been changed to a black from white,
though the difference will probably be lost on me,
anyway.

And don't worry if laughter is on your lips,
'cause you wouldn't be you if you changed for this.
And I won't measure love by the tears that drip
from your face.

I can't wait for you.
I can't wait for you.

I suppose I should hope that it turns out fine,
but I hope that some sadness does cross your mind,
and you'll look for me when you have crossed that line,
come one day.

I can't wait for you.
I can't wait for you.
I can't wait for you.

I can't wait for you.

Let Go

I can't sleep again tonight.
My thoughts keep me awake.
Am I doing the right thing,
or am I making a huge mistake?

I want so badly for sleep to take me,
far, far away.
I wish I could sleep forever;
stop feeling this pain every day.

I've said sorry a thousand times,
I fear saying it a thousand times more.
You don't deserve what I put you through.
These regrets drill me to the core.

So tonights the night I say my last sorry,
and hope I don't say it again.
I know I've given up all this before,
only to pick it up again.

My apologies probably don't mean much by now,
but they are all that I've got.
I don't have anything to offer you,
other than my tears and this thought:

That maybe one day I'll finally see that your grace is enough,
and I'll put an end to this pain and suffering,
So that your love can fill my life's cup.

I know you're there no matter what,
but I can't seem to give the time.
I hope you know you mean the world to me;
I want you to be mine.

I know you want this pain to end,
this thing I bring upon myself.
You've told more than a few times,
to put it on the shelf.

And every time I leave it there with the promise:
things will be different,
I end up making a fool out of myself.
But this much has become appearant:

I have to stop or this sin will kill me,
faster than even I know.
So tonight I'll tell you for the thousandth time,
Father, I'm ready to let go.

Thank You ♥

Thank you,

For being the one person who encouraged me to chase after my faith.
For being the light in the darkness of my life.
For putting up with me and my constant complaints.

For noticing when things weren't okay.
For your hugs. I wouldn't be here without them.
For never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

For proving to me that there are people out there who want to make a difference.
For saying hi to me - a stranger. You changed my life forever.
For asking how I'm doing.

For taking time for me, even when you're busy.
For loving me, when I didn't think anyone could.
For forgiving me, even for my worst mistakes.

For not judging me.
For the joy you bring to my life.
For teaching me that tough times don't last, and tough people do.

For giving me opportunities.
For recognizing my strengths.
For everything you do for me.

For being hilarious.
For being my best friend no matter what.
For placing your trust in me.

For showing me right from wrong.
For making me a stronger person.
For understanding when no one else cared to.

For being straight up with me.
For the time you spend with me - I enjoy every minute of it.
For dying for me - a sinner.

For being you.
For being truthful.
For being honest.

For being my youth pastor.
For respecting me.
For everything.

Thank you for being my saviour.

Thank you for saving my life.

Bri and Casey's Movie Hit List

1. The Bucket List
2. Underdog
3. Saw I
4. Saw II
5. Saw III
6. Saw IV
7. Saw V
8. Saw VI
9. Iron Man - watched!
10. Couples Retreat
11. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
12. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
13. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
14. Death Race
15. Speed - watched!
16. Valentines Day
17. How to Train Your Dragon
18. Dear John - Watched!
19. Never Back Down
20. Alice in Wonderland
21. Clash of the Titans
22. Finding Nemo
23. Forrest Gump
24. Harry Potter and the Philospher's stone - watched!
25. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - watched!
26. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
27. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
28. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
29. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
30. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (when it comes out)
31. Gamer
32. Smokin Aces
33. Smokin Aces 2
34. Deception
35. 300
36. 10 000 B.C.
37. Million Dollar Baby
38. Iron Man 2 - watched!
39. Dispicable Me
40. Shindler's List
41. Step Up 3D

Accustomed

The only thing worse than you being angry with me,
is you being disappointed in me.

And I'm getting used to it.






I'm scared.

Make Cupcakes, Not Horcruxes

For Emily Johnston, whom I lave.

Emily, you've been bothering to write a blog about you for a while now, and I think it's finally time for me to post such a blog. You're welcome.

I want to start by telling you that I love you. You mean a lot to me, and I appreciate our friendship a lot more than you realize. You don't judge me, which is something I really need to thank you for, especially because lately I've really started to notice who my true friends are. We've shared so many laughs, although sometimes I laughed while you cried.. and you laughed while i cried.. like when me and the rest of your guests at your birthday party played that prank on you and broke the vase and your dad said it was a wedding gift from your dead grandma? Hilarious. Sorry though, :) You can't forget all those times I cried in the cafeteria because of jokes you and Justan and everyone else said though..

Anywho, you're fun to be around, and we never run out of things to talk about, or crazy things to do, or fun ways to embarrase ourselves and our friends. I love the fact that you love Harry Potter just as much as I do, because when I relate something to Harry Potter, you're the only person that ever gets it. I also like that you don't condemn me for playing pokemon. :)

I can't wait until the new Harry Potter movie comes out because
a.) You're going with me
b.) I'm dressing up.. which means
c.) I get to embarrase the crap out of you and you can't do anything about it.

I'd also like to tell you that you're pretty much the peanut butter to my jelly, and the fact that you love Hedley as much as I do makes me love you even more. I swear you're the sister God meant to give me. :)

At this time I'd also like to tell you that I promised myself I wouldn't die before I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so we're going together, as it's quite mandatory. We'll buy butterbeer and Hogwarts uniforms in griffindor colours and we'll select our wands, which will amazing. And then .. we're just going to stay there forever and live there for the rest of our lives, as magicians.


So.. here's your blog Em, sorry it's not epic and long, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Love you <3

Better Off Without You

You promised we'd always stay friends.
I'm glad we didn't.

If we had, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'd be something horrible. Unbearable.

What we've gone through has made me who I am, and although even now you haunt my thoughts, I wouldn't change anything, for fear of losing my identity.

you hurt me, badly, and you don't even care. Maybe you don't really how badly you scarred me.. maybe you don't realize how much my heart bled on your behalf.

It was always about you, from the very beginning. I was too blinded by what I thought was love to even realize how wrong you were for me. You were the one person who made me feel good about myself, like my life was worth living. But things are different now, and I realize that love had never been a part of our relationship.

I won't lie. I enjoyed spending a lot of my time with you. I'll admit that while I write this, I was at fault too, and I made my fair share of mistakes. But I'm tired of holding these feelings in. They need to leave.

You made me scared. Scared to even be touched by a friend. Hugs, handshakes, everything was neglected by me after what we went through. I was terrified that I would get hurt by others the ways you hurt me, so I shut myself away from everyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I hate that you did that to me.

I hate the fact that our relationship became nothing more than fancy egos and fights. I wish things could have turned out better, I wish that both of us didn't have to go through so much pain. But then, if we hadn't I might still be with you. That would kill my soul.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened between us, and I wonder if you think about it too. It hurts to think about us. I screwed up so many times and cut myself so deeply that I honestly can't see these wounds ever healing. You hurt me so badly. I still feel the same pain today that I felt nearly six months ago. I put my life in your hands. I trusted you. I committed my time and my heart to you. I respected you SO MUCH. And you threw it all back at my feet and kicked me to the curb.

The anger that I feel for you would almost be unbearable. But after you left my life, it allowed me to let Jesus in, and that's where things start to change. You kicked me to the curb, and Jesus sat there with me while I cried. He bandaged my wounds as best He could, He held me while I wept, He loved me the same all the while. He comforted me. He gave me everything you couldn't. And I realized that the void in my heart that I wanted to desperately to fill couldn't be filled by you. Jesus had to fill it. And he did.

If it weren't for Him, I'd feel a lot more pain, shame, and guilt than I do now. Part of me thinks it's my own stubborness that won't let all these emotions go. Another part of me thinks I can't let them go. What if letting them go means letting my guard down? What if letting them go means that I let go of part of myself?

I know you won't read this, and if you do then maybe you'll realize just how badly you stung my heart. Even now, while I lay here, contemplating on our past, my eyes begin to water. I can't believe how selfish you were, and how selfish, in turn, I became. You turned me into all the things I wasn't. You turned me away from my friends, who you never respected. You turned me away from my family, who I now realize I needed to get closer to, not be pulled farther away. You got me into so much trouble in my life. The people I loved look down upon me. That hurt. Bad.

I pray for you. I pray that maybe you can see past your own wants and see what you need. I wish you could grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. You don't need ridiculous amounts of money to be happy, nor do you need fancy cars and sex, nice clothes and one-night-stands. You need God. You need Jesus. I hope you find Him.

Of all the promises you broke, I'm glad you fell through on your promise to stay friends. I realize now that I don't need you in my life at all. I have everything I could ever ask for. I have amazing friends who love me for me, even when I'm down or wrong. I have an amazing pastor and amazing mentors who help me through everything. I have an amazing boyfriend who means the world to me, who I love so much. I have a better relationship with my parents than I've had in a long time. I'm happy, and I wonder if you can say the same thing.

You promised we'd always stay friends.
I'm glad we didn't.

Devotion ♥

A poem I wrote in English class last semester...


I would walk the entire surface of this beautiful earth, if only to show you that I will always go the extra mile for you.
I would spend an eternity in darkness, never to see light again, because the only light I need is the light you represent in my life.
I would stand on the edge of a deadly cliff, only to shout my praises to you for the entire world to hear.
I would plunge into the deepest of water, where sea creatures darkly dwell, if only you would realize that there is no greater fear in my life than the fear of being without you.
I would place myself in the midst of a deadly, cold snowstorm, if only to show you that the warmth that dwells inside my heart because of you would keep me warm in the coldest of times.
I would throw myself in the face of death or injury; I would take a bullet for you, because your well-being means so much more to me than my own.
I would expose myself to the most harmful of diseases, because I know deep in my heart that the only medicine I need is the medicine of friendship and love, which you provide to me.
I would never again speak a single word, only to express my true devotion to you.
I would spend my life as a failure, as long as it meant success for you.
I would give away all of my money and live as a poor soul, because wealth is not found in money, it is found in your love, and in that wealth I am rich.
I would throw myself out of a plane at the highest of heights and watch the world grow perilously closer and closer, as a symbol that the parachute of your friendship would save me before I crashed to the ground.
I would watch my world come crumbling down before my eyes, only to smile at the presence of our relationship, because I know that the walls of that relationship would stand eternally.

You see, without you, I would have no purpose; my life would have no meaning.
Without you my life would not be the same; it wouldn’t be life at all.
Without you the rain falls, the seasons change, the grass grows.
Without you the breeze warms, the tides change, the river flows.
Without you the oceans crash, the sun shines, the light glows.
But I truly would die without your love, without your presence, without you.
Without my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Your love for me is eternal and unconditional. I make mistakes, I fall down, I disgrace your name, I lose my way, I am weak, I am hopeless, I am merely a human being. Yet when filled with your grace and love, I am forgiven for my mistakes and I learn from my mistakes. You pick me up when I fall and you show me how to pick myself up. You pardon my wrongs. You show me the way and teach me how to find it. You make me strong and show me how to stay strong, even when times get tough. You give me hope, and you help me give hope to others. In your eyes, I am your child, your lamb.

In my eyes, you are my God.